peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
