He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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