My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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