he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
