I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
