You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You ruined the universe
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