No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
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