I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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