I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
