We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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