i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
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I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
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Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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