I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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