I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
