she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
It's shark week go big or go home
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
