before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
