the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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