brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
