I wish my penis had an off switch
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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