I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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