No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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