Moan for me like Helen Keller
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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