my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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