this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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