using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
