I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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