I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You can't just leave with hair like that
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
