im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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