I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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