matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
