No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
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I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
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Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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