There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Send help, water and tortillas.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
