i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
