Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
