new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
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i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
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So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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