You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Randomize
