I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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