Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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