i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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