allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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