WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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