I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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