Little spoons don't ask big questions
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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