3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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