Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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