I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
