Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
