Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Randomize
