Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
