Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You should frame my arrest warrant.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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