Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
