eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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