I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
