Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
