You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
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do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
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Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?