I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.